WOAH.

It all makes so much sense! Who decides when you've "made it"? You do! Of course! It's funny, really, because you're responsible for all of your own insecurities. And every person has to learn that for themselves. We are proud creatures; selfish, yet unwilling to admit that more often than not, we are our own problems. The unfortunate part of the mandatory self-discovery aspect is that it really only comes from experience-experiences that can alter a person wildly for better or for worse. For an over-eager 18-year-old, one who has only recently made the discovery, after essentially hitting an emotional rock bottom, I really have no grounds to speak on the matter. But people who complain, who are so unhappy, I just want to share with them what my sister Lisa had to sit me down and drill into my brain. That places change, people die or move and create lives for themselves. We can't depend on those people to challenge our lives or send us on our way. We have to advocate our own lives, because you are the only person who will ever know you, and all of you, forever.


"It's either that slug I ate or I'm having an epiphany!"

You're Doing It Wrong

I'm going to take this time to evaluate just how terrible I am at College. Now, many elements contribute to these facts. People have changed my habits and I have a simple loss of motivation among other things.

1- Certain processed foods make me sick. And seeing as this is really all that the U of U's eating facilities have to offer late at night, I stash salad and peanut butter in my mini-fridge in my dorm. I tribute this to miss Andrea Crouch, for telling me how gross I am for eating dozens of egg rolls out of her freezer and telling me I was going to die young.

2- I don't party. When I first moved into the dorms, Lia Summers told me I would like it, but that she didn't because the boys just chase the girls down the hallway like children. Originally, I giggled at Lia's expected wit. But she was serious. It will be about 11:30 at night and girls will run down my hall screaming like school girls. I always picture them with ribbons flailing behind them and in their underwear playing kiss tag or whatever. Not that these girls are partying, but I also don't do that.

3- Going to class and studying= super easy. The first thing my Mom told me when I moved into the dorms was that it would be really hard to go to class because my roommate would always want me to skip with her. As much as I love Cecillee, she's never home, and when she is, we really have no problem encouraging each other to go to class. I probably study better when she's around. I'm not sure why, maybe my subconscious is trying to prove my intelligence and efficient study habits?

4- I hate sports, sororities, & fraternities. Alright, hate is a strong word. I would rather be knitting, writing, driving, or sleeping than watching football, basketball, or gymnastics. Sorority and Fraternity sisters and brothers are the most ridiculous concept to me. Don't try to deny it: you're paying for friends.

5-This still stands as my favorite song of all time.

Granted, Ke$ha has a lot of talent.

6- I work a near full-time job. I love it, so much, but I make about half as much as the kids in my classes working at Discover Card and at mortgage companies. I go to school all day and work all night. When I don't work, I crawl into my bed and watch Important Things with Demetri Martin, Portlandia, Monk, Big Bang Theory, and United States of Tara until I doze off.

7-I have one friend. Her name is Angeline, and she's worse at college than I am. And she sends me texts like "OMG we totes need to go to the Beta Bash." I laugh because she understands me so well.

And last of all, number 8- People who go to college dances suck. No elaboration on that one.

That was bitter. This was all bitter. I love college, I'm just bad at it. I need someone to take me under their wing and teach me how to take the headphones off of my head.

Simple Social Interaction

Today, despite being only Wednesday, has been full of little things that make me laugh: this fellow next to me reading a very thin book titled "Ambiguity", the wi-fi connection names that people come up with all across campus (currently: SoldierofDub), a sign on the wall of the old Business building pointing to a staircase with a sign indicating that they are, in fact, stairs, and another sign in all caps asking to "PLEASE DON'T WRITE ON THE WHITEBOARD WITH PERMANENT MARKERS". (I suppose anyone could argue that the girl blogging and eating a plate of only lemons and rye bread at 11:30 in the morning is a small sight that might make a person laugh.) But it's here, sitting in the Heritage Center, absorbing my new lifestyle, I began to consider a topic that is suddenly glaringly relevant. At home, nothing compelled me to make friends on campus. A once outgoing girl stuck to past friendships to feel adequate about her life. But now that the majority of my friends have moved away, or simply moved on in life, it really is time for me to as well. However, I have always been one to form my friendships by being personable to individuals I find easy going and inviting. I think I expect a student to come up, ask if the seat next to me is taken, and then initiate small talk that in time will evolve to a life-long friendship. That is one major quality of performance that I truly miss. Anyone involved in the performing arts is outgoing and constantly networking, either on purpose or simply because they have no filter regarding proper social interaction, or at least what has become common social interaction. Nowadays, with lap tops and iPhones, headphones and Kindles, it's almost impossible to engage another individual in conversation without bizarrely speaking to them for the sake of speaking, and with effort to get around their media-based obstacle. There is no awkward silence to break, and there is no boredom which genuine conversation could heal. I'm not saying I'm innocent, I plug in daily. But I do wish face-to-face communication was still engaging, and one of the few forms of entertainment to pass the time.

Lady-Like

I want to be: Unadulteratedly polite.
I want to care about each individual I encounter, and understand why they act the way they do.
I want to dress well, but not in excess.
I want to smile when I'd rather scream, laugh when I'd rather cry, think when I'd rather speak.
These things are important to me.

Chivalry is not a series of overlooked acts, it is the simple idea of courtesy and generosity.
I know this is not my discovery, it's in the dictionary.

I just want to expand on wholesome humanity;
I just want to make someone's day.

Ka-Pow!

The rise of a passion from the root of your life is a new thought racing through my mind. Similar to my many posts about fate and how each decision shapes a person's life, I fully believe a person's purpose in life is always a soft flame beneath the ground; always present, simply waiting to be discovered. And while there may never be a revelatory moment where an individual thinks "this is why I was born!", our purpose has the ability to shine once we allow it to grow beneath the traits and talents we develop throughout our lifespan. This is why each individual is just that- an individual, and not a copied version of another person. Chuck Palahniuck may be correct in saying "...I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known.", but we will never fully embrace the simulation of another human being. I love that. Not the opportunity to be "different" but the idea that the talents one develops can lead to any numerous amount of opportunities, and we cannot be limited by the paths of others. To assume that another person's life journey is the route you are obligated to take, based on your similarities, is simply a cop-out from risk. Boundlessness presents opportunities beyond a person's reach, but sometimes the unattainable is the most rewarding. If not in the result- that might never be achieved- then in the exploration. I love making discoveries, and lately, that is all I have been confronted with. I am endlessly learning new things, brainstorming new ideas, and constantly having my mind...
Blown, to say the least.
It's a good feeling, a revitalizing feeling. Especially after having an apathetic, dismal state of mind recently. I have a great conglomeration of friends and a job I look forward to, as well as a strong work ethic and a desire to better myself. While the desire to better one's self may appear to be a self-conscious approach, for me it means I feel good about myself, enough to care for myself and discover new explorations.

Reality Check

I've been in college for three months, but in reality I have really only been commuting back and forth to classes that just happen to be on college campus. I came here with expectations of involvement, but I'm a slacker. Living at home limited me- it didn't have to, but I allowed it to. Recently I have been feeling like finally adapting might be the best phase to sink into. I move into the dorms after Christmas Break, paying to live with complete strangers, and I couldn't be more excited. I've been waiting for this experience since the beginning of the year, and I'm thrilled it's finally taking place. I love people, especially new people, and I'm glad to embrace a new environment. A part of me is feeling apprehensive about moving out, and finally migrating to a age-relative group of people, away from what is comfortable, what was cushioned for me. I guess a residence hall and a meal plan in Salt Lake, Utah isn't a huge shift from a cushioned life, but it feels like the first step in my own decisions. And paying for it is nerve racking as well. Being able to support myself is... a luxurious feeling. I was a spoiled rotten kid, but still raised with sensibility. Full time student, two part time jobs, and an attempt at a social life. This should be an interesting upcoming semester.


Look who comes home in 36 days! Part of me thinks everything will go back to normal when she comes back from her project in India, but this last year has been the most transitional year of my life. Nothing has remained stationary in my cluttered story, but it's exciting. Confusing, but progressive. Every day I wonder where I will end up. How do you compose a hypothesis on your future when you have no idea what tomorrow has to offer?

Source of Inspiration

The majority of my blogs these days are inspired by papers I have to write for classes. Today's: Dance Composition, derived from the autobiography of Helen Keller and her 1933 article: "Three Days to See"


“Most of us, however, take life for granted. We know that one day we must die, but usually we picture that day as far in the future. When we are in buoyant health, death is all but unimaginable. We seldom think of it.”
-Helen Keller

This ignorant attitude or “lethargy” as she words it, is not entirely negative; it allows us to live without fearing death at all times. Her acknowledgement of senses brings me uncommonly aware of my own. I have never thought what fall would be like without being able to see the colors of the changing leaves, or the nostalgic smell of candles burning the insides of pumpkins. Our senses are so much a part of our memory, that without even one of them, our entire perspective on our experience of life is altered. Without sight, inspiration would be mild, based on smell, noise, feel, and taste; this same event occurs sans any sense. Just sight alone captures color in a way no other sense could. Certain patterns, textures, they all fall away from being a source of inspiration, which is truly limiting. Specifying individually how lack of each sense would be both time consuming and tedious, but I know I am dependent on each sense individually, and the loss of any one would be a heavily limiting factor. If I were inflicted, only one day of sight, I would be relentlessly aware of the objects around me, much more than I currently take in. I would find myself memorizing the things I love the most. I would observe human behavior, study each facial characteristic of my family members and truest friends, and go about my daily routine, positive I could navigate without the luxury of sight. Under such circumstances, colors would be brighter and more vivid, the spaces about me would feel wide and I would feel secure in my pathways. Without sight, I would have a lost sense of trust, feeling paranoid and alone, suspicious and unsafe.

“Those who have eyes apparently see little”-Helen Keller

A profound thought which, for me, is laced with guilt; I feel selfish for visualizing only what is within my tunnel-vision, and not the many objects within my peripheral, not only in the literal sense of sight, but in the indirect sense of life. Allowing sensations not to be limited to the five archetypal senses and to expand outward to any sense which has the power to be removed from an individual. Allowing ones’ self to think this way will heighten their adaptability, and their passion for life.